"What are the lengths you're willing to go to in order to ensure that you're the one in control?"
She can't bind Valdis with rope and let her kick and scream until it's exhausted itself from her. She can't drop her in a demiplane and let her burn it off. She can't pour the blood of a Prince down her throat and let her see the world from new angles so overwhelming only their ghost remains. But there are things they can try. There are anchors they can cast. And she isn't going through this on her own.
"And for that matter - what shape does this power take in your heart?"
"I don't suppose taking a leaf out of Pyotr's book would be helpful."
As the Queen she had been in complete and total control. The magic had flowed with ease, bending to her every whim, twisting in whatever manner she desired. She could shut each organ down one at a time, steal breath, peel small pieces of life away with such precision that when the heart finally gave out there was no sign of any trauma.
As Meira she had brought life to the lifeless, but other than that Meira had never had the chance to see what her power could do.
"I don't know what length I would go to, but I think to start, I would need to not be afraid of it."
As for the shape...
"A wolf, but...it's not like the form I take. It's a twisted, grotesque creature of fire and brimstone. It felt like that creature was going to explode out of my skin."
She has even sketched it multiple times since then, hiding the drawings so Max wouldn't see them.
An eyebrow raises when Valdis mentions Pyotr - but that's a subject that will lead them away from the point of this, and there is more to say. More to listen to, as they keep walking along the sand, still looking for their treasures. And she nods as she listens. Good. Fear was always the first hurdle and the most constant. Being able to live with it is where the true work can be done. And a shape can be thought of, looked at, separated from the self, even as it bears down on the rest.
The wolf, in all her hell-bound glory.
"I can't advise you on how to get rid of her unless you're willing to take immensely risky actions where your very self is in the balance. But I can help, if the idea of living with her is not completely out of the question. In my view, even the Queen of Hounds must come to heel for the Houndmaster." A shrug of her shoulders. "So to speak."
If the old titles and the old selves did not suit, then they would forge a new one for the Valdis that is, instead of the Valdis that was.
"It's spring, after all. No better time to start."
Valdis shakes her head as they walk. If Tiamat and her could be separated, the Goddess would have done everything in her power to make it so. Instead, Tiamat had simply attempted to seal her consciousness away where it couldn't be rescued. If the goddess could live without her, surely she wouldn't have gone to such lengths.
"Maybe you're right. Maybe the issue is not a matter of control, but a matter of cooperation."
If she must live with this power, she must also reconcile the two pieces of herself. Who, and what, she is seem so convoluted as they are now. A Hound and its master work together to accomplish a goal, but it seems as if she is always fighting with her own power.
"I've felt for so long that I must choose between the Angel of Death and the Hellhound...you're saying that isn't the case?"
"I'm saying it's worth a try, if things haven't worked out so far. You still likely need control, but..."
She falls quiet for a second, trying to put her words in the right order so that Valdis will get her meaning. They can share feelings, but not exact experiences, so she still has to work at it.
"I haven't gotten rid of the urge entirely. I still feel its impulses at times - I can look at anyone and plot out how I could hurt them in the next few seconds, and I still feel rage that wants to ruin and salt the earth behind it. But...I can say no. I can be there, imagining the feeling of someone's organs in my hands, and my hands stay still. And when I need to be ruin, when I need to destroy and lay waste to my foes, I know it's there."
Stopping for a second to look at the waves, there's another ripple in her feelings, like something glimpsed way down in the depths, too far to make out details.
"The truest test will be when it comes time to bring force against Aster himself."
If she can stop, after they win. If she can keep the river within its banks, flowing to the sea.
"If you're so worried about hurting me, Valdis, why haven't you already done it? Why not kill me now, have it done and over with?"
Her emotions say that this is no trick of a question, but neither is she concerned.
Almost anything is work a try at this point, but it's a hard thing to reconcile. She listens to Fever, knowing that every word is meant to help, to relate an experience she can understand. It's easy to plot, even now she could come up with a million ways to kill almost anyone in Pumpkin Hollow, such things are easy when you've lived as a weapon, but right now, she feels no need to, no urges, nothing.
"You mean in this moment when I am completely sane and in control? I have no reason to. I am not dangerous to you when I am in control, only when I have lost it."
Probably why so many here completely dismiss the danger she poses.
"No reason at all? I'm a madwoman, Valdis. One who looks at others and draws out plans to kill them that I could execute. One who knows one of your greatest weaknesses and some of your secrets. You could destroy me, and you know it - you could just get it over with, kill me now and see me come back, get the desire to kill out of your system."
Because it never quite goes away, does it. Not when it's been repeated time and time again.
Valdis arches a brow. She knows Fever could do all these things, but she also knows her partner wouldn't.
"Thinking things doesn't mean you're going to act on them, you aren't a threat in this moment, so I have no reason to kill you. Even if you became a threat, I could stop you without killing you. I have no reason to resort to death when I have other options. Besides, killing you would not change your madness."
The question makes very little sense as she is now, but she suspects it had more relevance to her mindset after the opera.
"As for why I didn't slaughter you all the moment we escaped Efrain...well, I would rather destroy myself than harm you out of malice."
Fever grins, hurrying over to where she had found some good pieces last time. Maybe there'll be more this go-around.
"You could do it, but you don't want to. You want to not do that. That's not the Angel talking, or the Hound. That's all you." Bending down, she finds a fragment of green, holding it up to the sun to look at the color. "If you don't know what you want, you can think about what you don't want. And in that respect, you get closer to what you actually desire, reading the statement backwards."
Does she know what kind of woman she truly wants to be? No. But Fever can say that she doesn't want to be a woman so isolated, so angry, that she gives up on experiencing life again. It's a starting place.
Valdis follows as Fever takes off to another part of the beach, keeping up easily on the wet sand. No, she doesn't want to be controlled by her power, she doesn't want to harm the others, she doesn't want to feel that way again.
"It feels so sad to go about it like that, but I suppose it makes sense. Or at least it's a start."
To fill her mind with what she doesn't want, but if she's so confused about what she does want, perhaps that's the only way. There's another flash beneath the waves, another piece of glass, this one also green. She holds it out to Fever after bushing the sand off.
"Because when I get enough of it, I'm going to put it in a pile and hit it with lightning and see how it fused itself together. I think a few more ought to do it...they always come out interesting."
Taking the other piece, she puts them both in her pocket. Creation for its own sake, art for art's sake. Because she wants to, because something about it brings her joy.
"It'll get less sad once you start thinking about things in the inverse. I don't want to hurt my friends, and I want to see them happy and well. I don't want to destroy this world, and I want to experience what I can from it and find what's enjoyable. I don't want to give into my thoughts, and I want to know myself. Try it. Might be easier than you think."
"You can arrange them a certain way before hitting it with lightning."
Like a mosaic of sorts. She's not sure Fever has ever expressed so much interest in art, but she'd like to see what her partner creates. But she's half trying to avoid the topic at hand and Fever keeps pulling her back.
"True, but what about when what you want points you in a direction you know you can't go?"
In truth, the power Aster could offer would only be temporary and taking a deal with him was in stark opposition to what her loved ones want for her. In fact, it could pit her against them in a way none of them could ever take back.
"And what about when what you want and what you need are in opposition?"
"Tell me how they conflict. Tell me where it has you tied in knots."
While they keep going, while she keeps working on this. It's not so much about the art as it is the idea to simply try. If she doesn't like it, she'll toss it back to the sea. If she likes it, she'll find somewhere it can go, somewhere she can leave it for another soul's eyes.
"It's complicated. I told Erik I was tired of being yanked around by people more powerful than I am, but I don't know how to stop that."
It seems silly to say that, when she knows she has the ability to destroy everything, but that doesn't seem like real power. Real power could protect her, but the power she has keeps trying to take over instead of working with her.
"I mean, you were there, reliving those moments with me. You know I broke free and sealed him and the others within purgatory, but even then...all my power couldn't protect me from the rules of the world I found myself in."
She realizes she hasn't exactly answered Fever's question outright.
"I need power to protect myself, but I want peace."
Something creatures designed for war may never be able to find.
Valdis drops her gaze again. Fever isn't wrong, but it's hard to find the words to describe how the conflict exists within her.
"In my experience, peace only co-exists with power because one side fears the other."
It was that truth that had protected her for so long, but now...Aster doesn't fear her in the slightest and she's certain Nyarlathotep doesn't either. Unless she can access and control all her power, she's going to continue to be yanked around.
"My enemies don't fear me enough to give me peace."
Bending her head, she tries to catch Valdis's eye.
"You don't have to clear them away singlehandedly anymore. Your enemies might think they don't have to fear you, but you know I'm hardly the only one who'd stand behind you if they tried to strike."
But those aren't the only enemies. The ones within arguably are stronger than external ones ever could be.
"And those we can't destroy, we start thinking about....let's call it negotiations? Maybe?"
Reaching some kind of terms with herself, at least enough to bear.
"I'm not asking you to simply abandon your fears and believe me blindly, just...those who would strike you strike me as well, and I won't let the insult go unpunished."
Her eyes lift to meet Fever's. She knows Fever is formidable, so much so that Aster tried to recruit her too. Neil is another ally. Daisy. Shen. There are many who would stand with her against the demons and Nyarly, maybe even more. These aren't the fragile mortals of her own world going up against fairytale monsters, these are warriors in their own right.
"Not behind me, but not in front of me either. By my side is all I need."
"Exactly. You're not alone in this. We cover each other's weak spots."
That's part of trusting another to fight with them, back to back, dividing focus and tactics to accomplish far more than a single soul can. Ranged and melee, up and down, left and right. In a group, all angles can be accounted for. And even someone like Valdis will have blind spots - but she isn't being left to fend for herself, manage against odds she knows nothing about.
"I could have never started to look for myself without others. We will look for you, all of us at your side."
Valdis wouldn't disagree with Fever if those unspoken words were said out loud. She's more aware than ever about how she is not the most powerful creature on this island. Her power is devastating if in the wrong hands, and she will do everything she can to ensure that the wrong hands are not hers. There will be no deal with Aster, she knows that even if she's uncertain over how easy it will be to deal with multiple enemies at once.
Luckily her enemies will have to deal with the likes of Fever and her other allies like Neil. Not to mention the fact that she's now in charge of what might as well be the military of the island. Funny how this seems to keep happening. She catches sight of another piece of glass in the waves and takes a step to snatch it out of the sand. It was clearly once part of something interesting as it contains multiple colors and has a metallic sheen to it. She holds it out to Fever.
"Hopefully finding me will be easier when I have all of you helping."
She can't do it alone anymore, even if she wanted to.
And Fever laughs, and takes the glass, and knows she'll show Valdis what all this collecting is for. Knows she'll kiss her brow and give her reassurance, that though the path will be difficult, though Valdis will always be dangerous, still she can change. Everything changes - had Valdis not already started to do so? As the caterpillar fuels itself to rewrite its being, so she has been gathering support, care, love. They'll figure this out.
---
It's not long before she has a new reason to call her, anyway. The talk in the break room is enough to clue her in, and a quick question confirms it. So, she decides she'll call - she hasn't once voluntarily set foot over in the Enforcer offices, and she intends to keep that up as long as she can. The sending stone works just fine regardless.
"When was I going to be told you got a promotion?"
Granted, Valdis probably only got it yesterday at most. She's joking, only mock offended that she wasn't told instantly.
Valdis has just signed the last report for the DSA and dropped CT's own promotion paperwork into a file in her new office when Fever's call comes through. With a small smile she picks up the obsidian stone that rests on her desk.
"When we met later today, but I see the cat is already out of the bag."
As always, news travels fast in a small town, though it probably helps that Fever works at City Hall.
"I wanted to be sure CT and the others at the DSA knew before anyone else."
"If I hear a familiar name being murmured around me, of course I'm going to pay attention."
There's the soft shuffling of papers - she's at her own desk, at the moment.
"This changes nothing about our meeting, but as soon as I knew, I wanted to say congratulations. I'm happy for you, Valdis - though where does that leave the DSA?"
Valdis shakes her head despite knowing Fever can't see it, or the smile that lights up her eyes.
"Thank you for the congratulations, it feels...weird to be handed this kind of power. Been awhile since I've been in charge like this."
This is different though. Even if the fate of Pumpkin Hollow still hangs in the balance, this isn't a war, and she isn't the bad guy...for once. It's a nice feeling.
"I handed the DSA over to CT, I know she'll take care of it."
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
no subject
She can't bind Valdis with rope and let her kick and scream until it's exhausted itself from her. She can't drop her in a demiplane and let her burn it off. She can't pour the blood of a Prince down her throat and let her see the world from new angles so overwhelming only their ghost remains. But there are things they can try. There are anchors they can cast. And she isn't going through this on her own.
"And for that matter - what shape does this power take in your heart?"
no subject
As the Queen she had been in complete and total control. The magic had flowed with ease, bending to her every whim, twisting in whatever manner she desired. She could shut each organ down one at a time, steal breath, peel small pieces of life away with such precision that when the heart finally gave out there was no sign of any trauma.
As Meira she had brought life to the lifeless, but other than that Meira had never had the chance to see what her power could do.
"I don't know what length I would go to, but I think to start, I would need to not be afraid of it."
As for the shape...
"A wolf, but...it's not like the form I take. It's a twisted, grotesque creature of fire and brimstone. It felt like that creature was going to explode out of my skin."
She has even sketched it multiple times since then, hiding the drawings so Max wouldn't see them.
no subject
The wolf, in all her hell-bound glory.
"I can't advise you on how to get rid of her unless you're willing to take immensely risky actions where your very self is in the balance. But I can help, if the idea of living with her is not completely out of the question. In my view, even the Queen of Hounds must come to heel for the Houndmaster." A shrug of her shoulders. "So to speak."
If the old titles and the old selves did not suit, then they would forge a new one for the Valdis that is, instead of the Valdis that was.
"It's spring, after all. No better time to start."
no subject
"Maybe you're right. Maybe the issue is not a matter of control, but a matter of cooperation."
If she must live with this power, she must also reconcile the two pieces of herself. Who, and what, she is seem so convoluted as they are now. A Hound and its master work together to accomplish a goal, but it seems as if she is always fighting with her own power.
"I've felt for so long that I must choose between the Angel of Death and the Hellhound...you're saying that isn't the case?"
no subject
She falls quiet for a second, trying to put her words in the right order so that Valdis will get her meaning. They can share feelings, but not exact experiences, so she still has to work at it.
"I haven't gotten rid of the urge entirely. I still feel its impulses at times - I can look at anyone and plot out how I could hurt them in the next few seconds, and I still feel rage that wants to ruin and salt the earth behind it. But...I can say no. I can be there, imagining the feeling of someone's organs in my hands, and my hands stay still. And when I need to be ruin, when I need to destroy and lay waste to my foes, I know it's there."
Stopping for a second to look at the waves, there's another ripple in her feelings, like something glimpsed way down in the depths, too far to make out details.
"The truest test will be when it comes time to bring force against Aster himself."
If she can stop, after they win. If she can keep the river within its banks, flowing to the sea.
"If you're so worried about hurting me, Valdis, why haven't you already done it? Why not kill me now, have it done and over with?"
Her emotions say that this is no trick of a question, but neither is she concerned.
no subject
"You mean in this moment when I am completely sane and in control? I have no reason to. I am not dangerous to you when I am in control, only when I have lost it."
Probably why so many here completely dismiss the danger she poses.
no subject
Because it never quite goes away, does it. Not when it's been repeated time and time again.
"So why don't you?"
no subject
"Thinking things doesn't mean you're going to act on them, you aren't a threat in this moment, so I have no reason to kill you. Even if you became a threat, I could stop you without killing you. I have no reason to resort to death when I have other options. Besides, killing you would not change your madness."
The question makes very little sense as she is now, but she suspects it had more relevance to her mindset after the opera.
"As for why I didn't slaughter you all the moment we escaped Efrain...well, I would rather destroy myself than harm you out of malice."
no subject
Fever grins, hurrying over to where she had found some good pieces last time. Maybe there'll be more this go-around.
"You could do it, but you don't want to. You want to not do that. That's not the Angel talking, or the Hound. That's all you." Bending down, she finds a fragment of green, holding it up to the sun to look at the color. "If you don't know what you want, you can think about what you don't want. And in that respect, you get closer to what you actually desire, reading the statement backwards."
Does she know what kind of woman she truly wants to be? No. But Fever can say that she doesn't want to be a woman so isolated, so angry, that she gives up on experiencing life again. It's a starting place.
no subject
"It feels so sad to go about it like that, but I suppose it makes sense. Or at least it's a start."
To fill her mind with what she doesn't want, but if she's so confused about what she does want, perhaps that's the only way. There's another flash beneath the waves, another piece of glass, this one also green. She holds it out to Fever after bushing the sand off.
"Why are you looking for sea glass?"
no subject
Taking the other piece, she puts them both in her pocket. Creation for its own sake, art for art's sake. Because she wants to, because something about it brings her joy.
"It'll get less sad once you start thinking about things in the inverse. I don't want to hurt my friends, and I want to see them happy and well. I don't want to destroy this world, and I want to experience what I can from it and find what's enjoyable. I don't want to give into my thoughts, and I want to know myself. Try it. Might be easier than you think."
no subject
Like a mosaic of sorts. She's not sure Fever has ever expressed so much interest in art, but she'd like to see what her partner creates. But she's half trying to avoid the topic at hand and Fever keeps pulling her back.
"True, but what about when what you want points you in a direction you know you can't go?"
In truth, the power Aster could offer would only be temporary and taking a deal with him was in stark opposition to what her loved ones want for her. In fact, it could pit her against them in a way none of them could ever take back.
"And what about when what you want and what you need are in opposition?"
no subject
While they keep going, while she keeps working on this. It's not so much about the art as it is the idea to simply try. If she doesn't like it, she'll toss it back to the sea. If she likes it, she'll find somewhere it can go, somewhere she can leave it for another soul's eyes.
no subject
It seems silly to say that, when she knows she has the ability to destroy everything, but that doesn't seem like real power. Real power could protect her, but the power she has keeps trying to take over instead of working with her.
"I mean, you were there, reliving those moments with me. You know I broke free and sealed him and the others within purgatory, but even then...all my power couldn't protect me from the rules of the world I found myself in."
She realizes she hasn't exactly answered Fever's question outright.
"I need power to protect myself, but I want peace."
Something creatures designed for war may never be able to find.
no subject
Almost ruthless in its simplicity, but something Valdis needs to hear.
"You want power enough to be able to be at peace, and you cannot be at peace until you know you can protect yourself."
Holding her hands up in front of her, she brings them together, clasping each other.
"They only conflict if you think that power and peace cannot co-exist."
no subject
"In my experience, peace only co-exists with power because one side fears the other."
It was that truth that had protected her for so long, but now...Aster doesn't fear her in the slightest and she's certain Nyarlathotep doesn't either. Unless she can access and control all her power, she's going to continue to be yanked around.
"My enemies don't fear me enough to give me peace."
no subject
Bending her head, she tries to catch Valdis's eye.
"You don't have to clear them away singlehandedly anymore. Your enemies might think they don't have to fear you, but you know I'm hardly the only one who'd stand behind you if they tried to strike."
But those aren't the only enemies. The ones within arguably are stronger than external ones ever could be.
"And those we can't destroy, we start thinking about....let's call it negotiations? Maybe?"
Reaching some kind of terms with herself, at least enough to bear.
"I'm not asking you to simply abandon your fears and believe me blindly, just...those who would strike you strike me as well, and I won't let the insult go unpunished."
no subject
"Not behind me, but not in front of me either. By my side is all I need."
no subject
That's part of trusting another to fight with them, back to back, dividing focus and tactics to accomplish far more than a single soul can. Ranged and melee, up and down, left and right. In a group, all angles can be accounted for. And even someone like Valdis will have blind spots - but she isn't being left to fend for herself, manage against odds she knows nothing about.
"I could have never started to look for myself without others. We will look for you, all of us at your side."
no subject
Luckily her enemies will have to deal with the likes of Fever and her other allies like Neil. Not to mention the fact that she's now in charge of what might as well be the military of the island. Funny how this seems to keep happening. She catches sight of another piece of glass in the waves and takes a step to snatch it out of the sand. It was clearly once part of something interesting as it contains multiple colors and has a metallic sheen to it. She holds it out to Fever.
"Hopefully finding me will be easier when I have all of you helping."
She can't do it alone anymore, even if she wanted to.
no subject
---
It's not long before she has a new reason to call her, anyway. The talk in the break room is enough to clue her in, and a quick question confirms it. So, she decides she'll call - she hasn't once voluntarily set foot over in the Enforcer offices, and she intends to keep that up as long as she can. The sending stone works just fine regardless.
"When was I going to be told you got a promotion?"
Granted, Valdis probably only got it yesterday at most. She's joking, only mock offended that she wasn't told instantly.
no subject
"When we met later today, but I see the cat is already out of the bag."
As always, news travels fast in a small town, though it probably helps that Fever works at City Hall.
"I wanted to be sure CT and the others at the DSA knew before anyone else."
no subject
There's the soft shuffling of papers - she's at her own desk, at the moment.
"This changes nothing about our meeting, but as soon as I knew, I wanted to say congratulations. I'm happy for you, Valdis - though where does that leave the DSA?"
no subject
"Thank you for the congratulations, it feels...weird to be handed this kind of power. Been awhile since I've been in charge like this."
This is different though. Even if the fate of Pumpkin Hollow still hangs in the balance, this isn't a war, and she isn't the bad guy...for once. It's a nice feeling.
"I handed the DSA over to CT, I know she'll take care of it."
no subject
The tiniest moment of hesitation, and then:
"Pick what color flowers you want, and they'll be sent. You probably need something pretty in whatever office they have you in."
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
wrap?
wrap!