She's out on the beach, walking without shoes by the water and keeping her eyes peeled for more bits of glass - actual glass weathered by the sea, not Pyotr's creations. There's a lot she has turning in her mind, enough that will not settle, and giving herself a simple task at least lets her live around where they all swirl about, being worn into shape as much as the pieces she collects. A shine catches her eye, and she bends to pick it up - nearly clear, but subtly tinged blue. Nice.
Both of them are attuned to eyes on their back, and when Fever feels them, she half turns, curious as to who. When recognition sets in, she smiles, waving from where she is - of course Valdis is welcome here.
"Now that you're out here, I'm roping you into being my assistant."
Valdis reaches down to remove her boots, pulling off the stockings and stuffing them into the shoes before stepping out onto the sand. It's nice to feel the earth beneath her feet, so much like when she is a Hound, and these days she feels safer in the form of that apex predator than her own body.
"Your assistant in what?"
It doesn't take her long to reach Fever and she digs her toes into the wet sand, harder under her weight, easier to balance, easier to fight if necessary. It's annoying how her mind keeps drifting to that. To war, to violence. Peace has never felt so far away.
"Looking for sea glass. I've got plans for it when I've gathered enough." She pats her pocket where her current collection sits, casting her gaze back over the shoreline. "Any color will do. Though I wonder if certain colors of glass even exist."
Back to Valdis, though, and her look focuses a little more, before she gestures that they should walk while they talk.
"Something's weighing on you, isn't it?"
By now, if she couldn't sense some of Valdis's moods, even without empathy, she thinks she'd be a very poor friend indeed.
"Come on, then. We have as much time as you need to discover them."
Fever walks slow and unhurried, looking for anything and also keeping her ears open for when Valdis wants to speak. She's not in a mind to push her - only to listen, and to wait. Like she said, there's time.
They walk in silence for a time, her gaze on the edge of the waves, looking for that sea glass that Fever covets. She's not entirely certain where to start, how to even explain. Perhaps she should start with the most shocking part? Maybe from the beginning? She's not sure, but the silence stretches on and on. And on.
"And what do you expect will happen when he does?"
Even, calm. Careful, even. She still doesn't like it at all, that Valdis might be looking at an arrangement, her own conversations notwithstanding - they were different. But no need to overreact until something actually occurs.
"Honestly? I would have either tried to tear his heart from his chest or I would have fallen into his bed. I had enough control to get help, but I was....very close to simply slaughtering everyone in Pumpkin Hollow. I wanted to, so badly."
There's not really shame in her voice, more relief that none of those things had happened.
"I don't think anyone except Aster would have been thrilled by that."
The darkness that ripples across her when Valdis describes what might have happened is inevitable. Trying to kill him would have been acceptable, bedding him would have not been - even if she tried to offer as much grace as possible, some things would be difficult indeed to look past.
"You know I would have stood against you. I would have gathered a few others who I know can hold ground, and I would have fought until you came back to yourself."
Even if she had to kill her to make it happen. That was the essence of their promise, made in those first few days that they set foot on these shores. They wouldn't let each other commit such deeds, no matter how much force they had to bring to bear.
But it didn't happen, and so there is no true judgement. Only contemplation.
Valdis sighs. She felt that sliver of darkness, knows that whatever she would have done in those moments would have been unforgivable.
"I have died exactly once since coming here, and it was by choice to further my own plans."
She is not as confident as Fever in their ability to stop her, not when she's like that, on the edge of the Void and willing to topple over.
"The only death I have experienced unwillingly since being ripped from my world was orchestrated by Maxwell and Tiamat. Of course I suppose you could also count when Sparkles forced Tiamat and I to switch places."
She shakes her head.
"I do not think you could stop me. I believe you would try, if you had the chance, but I think you would be among the first I would take out. I would have gone after your soul from a distance. You would have been dead before you even knew anything was happening."
She knows who to target, she has the most dangerous people memorized, knows their skills, where they like to be, and of course they would have all been sitting ducks. Fever, Neil, River...anyone who might have a chance would be the first to die.
"That's a rather large oversight we made, isn't it? Clearly, I need to learn how to defend my soul, at least for long enough that we have a chance of bringing you back to us."
Crouching down, she picks up what she thinks is another piece of brown glass, but it's only some wet and newly arrived bit of wood. Not what she needs at all. But she hopes Valdis knows she's not being flippant - she sincerely means it that it's an oversight on her part.
"Does it bother you more that you could have done it, or that we don't have adequate protection for if it happened?"
Because she remembers her own fears, that she wouldn't be stopped. That safety net, that assurance that she could and would be defeated before she did anything too unforgivable, had been a lifeline to cling to.
It's a problem that should never have been overlooked, one she should have foreseen. Though how could she predict the fire that burned in her veins after feeding on Efrain? She had experienced it to a much smaller extent when she killed Siffleur, and then a little more when she had killed the shadow of Fenrir, but not to this extent.
"My concern is that whatever stands between myself and who I once was is weakening, and none of you are prepared for the Queen of Hounds and her ruthlessness."
Valdis stoops to pick up a small flat object that turns out to be a green rock. Pretty, but not what Fever is looking for. Perhaps Mortanne could ward Fever's soul, protect it from being destroyed. It should be within the goddess' power.
"I held on enough to seek the help I needed, kept my mind apart from the violent desires, but what about next time?"
And there will be a next time, she can't just stand by and let everyone else fight.
"How do I control my power instead of it trying to control me?"
"What are the lengths you're willing to go to in order to ensure that you're the one in control?"
She can't bind Valdis with rope and let her kick and scream until it's exhausted itself from her. She can't drop her in a demiplane and let her burn it off. She can't pour the blood of a Prince down her throat and let her see the world from new angles so overwhelming only their ghost remains. But there are things they can try. There are anchors they can cast. And she isn't going through this on her own.
"And for that matter - what shape does this power take in your heart?"
"I don't suppose taking a leaf out of Pyotr's book would be helpful."
As the Queen she had been in complete and total control. The magic had flowed with ease, bending to her every whim, twisting in whatever manner she desired. She could shut each organ down one at a time, steal breath, peel small pieces of life away with such precision that when the heart finally gave out there was no sign of any trauma.
As Meira she had brought life to the lifeless, but other than that Meira had never had the chance to see what her power could do.
"I don't know what length I would go to, but I think to start, I would need to not be afraid of it."
As for the shape...
"A wolf, but...it's not like the form I take. It's a twisted, grotesque creature of fire and brimstone. It felt like that creature was going to explode out of my skin."
She has even sketched it multiple times since then, hiding the drawings so Max wouldn't see them.
An eyebrow raises when Valdis mentions Pyotr - but that's a subject that will lead them away from the point of this, and there is more to say. More to listen to, as they keep walking along the sand, still looking for their treasures. And she nods as she listens. Good. Fear was always the first hurdle and the most constant. Being able to live with it is where the true work can be done. And a shape can be thought of, looked at, separated from the self, even as it bears down on the rest.
The wolf, in all her hell-bound glory.
"I can't advise you on how to get rid of her unless you're willing to take immensely risky actions where your very self is in the balance. But I can help, if the idea of living with her is not completely out of the question. In my view, even the Queen of Hounds must come to heel for the Houndmaster." A shrug of her shoulders. "So to speak."
If the old titles and the old selves did not suit, then they would forge a new one for the Valdis that is, instead of the Valdis that was.
"It's spring, after all. No better time to start."
Valdis shakes her head as they walk. If Tiamat and her could be separated, the Goddess would have done everything in her power to make it so. Instead, Tiamat had simply attempted to seal her consciousness away where it couldn't be rescued. If the goddess could live without her, surely she wouldn't have gone to such lengths.
"Maybe you're right. Maybe the issue is not a matter of control, but a matter of cooperation."
If she must live with this power, she must also reconcile the two pieces of herself. Who, and what, she is seem so convoluted as they are now. A Hound and its master work together to accomplish a goal, but it seems as if she is always fighting with her own power.
"I've felt for so long that I must choose between the Angel of Death and the Hellhound...you're saying that isn't the case?"
"I'm saying it's worth a try, if things haven't worked out so far. You still likely need control, but..."
She falls quiet for a second, trying to put her words in the right order so that Valdis will get her meaning. They can share feelings, but not exact experiences, so she still has to work at it.
"I haven't gotten rid of the urge entirely. I still feel its impulses at times - I can look at anyone and plot out how I could hurt them in the next few seconds, and I still feel rage that wants to ruin and salt the earth behind it. But...I can say no. I can be there, imagining the feeling of someone's organs in my hands, and my hands stay still. And when I need to be ruin, when I need to destroy and lay waste to my foes, I know it's there."
Stopping for a second to look at the waves, there's another ripple in her feelings, like something glimpsed way down in the depths, too far to make out details.
"The truest test will be when it comes time to bring force against Aster himself."
If she can stop, after they win. If she can keep the river within its banks, flowing to the sea.
"If you're so worried about hurting me, Valdis, why haven't you already done it? Why not kill me now, have it done and over with?"
Her emotions say that this is no trick of a question, but neither is she concerned.
Almost anything is work a try at this point, but it's a hard thing to reconcile. She listens to Fever, knowing that every word is meant to help, to relate an experience she can understand. It's easy to plot, even now she could come up with a million ways to kill almost anyone in Pumpkin Hollow, such things are easy when you've lived as a weapon, but right now, she feels no need to, no urges, nothing.
"You mean in this moment when I am completely sane and in control? I have no reason to. I am not dangerous to you when I am in control, only when I have lost it."
Probably why so many here completely dismiss the danger she poses.
"No reason at all? I'm a madwoman, Valdis. One who looks at others and draws out plans to kill them that I could execute. One who knows one of your greatest weaknesses and some of your secrets. You could destroy me, and you know it - you could just get it over with, kill me now and see me come back, get the desire to kill out of your system."
Because it never quite goes away, does it. Not when it's been repeated time and time again.
Valdis arches a brow. She knows Fever could do all these things, but she also knows her partner wouldn't.
"Thinking things doesn't mean you're going to act on them, you aren't a threat in this moment, so I have no reason to kill you. Even if you became a threat, I could stop you without killing you. I have no reason to resort to death when I have other options. Besides, killing you would not change your madness."
The question makes very little sense as she is now, but she suspects it had more relevance to her mindset after the opera.
"As for why I didn't slaughter you all the moment we escaped Efrain...well, I would rather destroy myself than harm you out of malice."
Fever grins, hurrying over to where she had found some good pieces last time. Maybe there'll be more this go-around.
"You could do it, but you don't want to. You want to not do that. That's not the Angel talking, or the Hound. That's all you." Bending down, she finds a fragment of green, holding it up to the sun to look at the color. "If you don't know what you want, you can think about what you don't want. And in that respect, you get closer to what you actually desire, reading the statement backwards."
Does she know what kind of woman she truly wants to be? No. But Fever can say that she doesn't want to be a woman so isolated, so angry, that she gives up on experiencing life again. It's a starting place.
Valdis follows as Fever takes off to another part of the beach, keeping up easily on the wet sand. No, she doesn't want to be controlled by her power, she doesn't want to harm the others, she doesn't want to feel that way again.
"It feels so sad to go about it like that, but I suppose it makes sense. Or at least it's a start."
To fill her mind with what she doesn't want, but if she's so confused about what she does want, perhaps that's the only way. There's another flash beneath the waves, another piece of glass, this one also green. She holds it out to Fever after bushing the sand off.
"Because when I get enough of it, I'm going to put it in a pile and hit it with lightning and see how it fused itself together. I think a few more ought to do it...they always come out interesting."
Taking the other piece, she puts them both in her pocket. Creation for its own sake, art for art's sake. Because she wants to, because something about it brings her joy.
"It'll get less sad once you start thinking about things in the inverse. I don't want to hurt my friends, and I want to see them happy and well. I don't want to destroy this world, and I want to experience what I can from it and find what's enjoyable. I don't want to give into my thoughts, and I want to know myself. Try it. Might be easier than you think."
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Both of them are attuned to eyes on their back, and when Fever feels them, she half turns, curious as to who. When recognition sets in, she smiles, waving from where she is - of course Valdis is welcome here.
"Now that you're out here, I'm roping you into being my assistant."
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"Your assistant in what?"
It doesn't take her long to reach Fever and she digs her toes into the wet sand, harder under her weight, easier to balance, easier to fight if necessary. It's annoying how her mind keeps drifting to that. To war, to violence. Peace has never felt so far away.
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Back to Valdis, though, and her look focuses a little more, before she gestures that they should walk while they talk.
"Something's weighing on you, isn't it?"
By now, if she couldn't sense some of Valdis's moods, even without empathy, she thinks she'd be a very poor friend indeed.
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Valdis' eyes drop to the water's edge, looking for the dull shine of glass in the sand. It appears they will need to walk to find more.
"Not all of them are up for discussion, others may be, if I can properly gather my thoughts."
Her gaze lifts.
"But I would enjoy walking with you and searching for sea glass while I try to find the right words."
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Fever walks slow and unhurried, looking for anything and also keeping her ears open for when Valdis wants to speak. She's not in a mind to push her - only to listen, and to wait. Like she said, there's time.
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"Aster hasn't come to me yet."
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Even, calm. Careful, even. She still doesn't like it at all, that Valdis might be looking at an arrangement, her own conversations notwithstanding - they were different. But no need to overreact until something actually occurs.
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Surely that should tell Fever something about her mindset.
"I am, however, grateful he didn't find me immediately after Efrain's death, I don't think I would have chosen wisely if he had."
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An image leaps to her mind unbidden - the Hound lunging at Aster's throat.
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There's not really shame in her voice, more relief that none of those things had happened.
"I don't think anyone except Aster would have been thrilled by that."
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"You know I would have stood against you. I would have gathered a few others who I know can hold ground, and I would have fought until you came back to yourself."
Even if she had to kill her to make it happen. That was the essence of their promise, made in those first few days that they set foot on these shores. They wouldn't let each other commit such deeds, no matter how much force they had to bring to bear.
But it didn't happen, and so there is no true judgement. Only contemplation.
CW: Mention of Suicide
"I have died exactly once since coming here, and it was by choice to further my own plans."
She is not as confident as Fever in their ability to stop her, not when she's like that, on the edge of the Void and willing to topple over.
"The only death I have experienced unwillingly since being ripped from my world was orchestrated by Maxwell and Tiamat. Of course I suppose you could also count when Sparkles forced Tiamat and I to switch places."
She shakes her head.
"I do not think you could stop me. I believe you would try, if you had the chance, but I think you would be among the first I would take out. I would have gone after your soul from a distance. You would have been dead before you even knew anything was happening."
She knows who to target, she has the most dangerous people memorized, knows their skills, where they like to be, and of course they would have all been sitting ducks. Fever, Neil, River...anyone who might have a chance would be the first to die.
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Crouching down, she picks up what she thinks is another piece of brown glass, but it's only some wet and newly arrived bit of wood. Not what she needs at all. But she hopes Valdis knows she's not being flippant - she sincerely means it that it's an oversight on her part.
"Does it bother you more that you could have done it, or that we don't have adequate protection for if it happened?"
Because she remembers her own fears, that she wouldn't be stopped. That safety net, that assurance that she could and would be defeated before she did anything too unforgivable, had been a lifeline to cling to.
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"My concern is that whatever stands between myself and who I once was is weakening, and none of you are prepared for the Queen of Hounds and her ruthlessness."
Valdis stoops to pick up a small flat object that turns out to be a green rock. Pretty, but not what Fever is looking for. Perhaps Mortanne could ward Fever's soul, protect it from being destroyed. It should be within the goddess' power.
"I held on enough to seek the help I needed, kept my mind apart from the violent desires, but what about next time?"
And there will be a next time, she can't just stand by and let everyone else fight.
"How do I control my power instead of it trying to control me?"
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She can't bind Valdis with rope and let her kick and scream until it's exhausted itself from her. She can't drop her in a demiplane and let her burn it off. She can't pour the blood of a Prince down her throat and let her see the world from new angles so overwhelming only their ghost remains. But there are things they can try. There are anchors they can cast. And she isn't going through this on her own.
"And for that matter - what shape does this power take in your heart?"
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As the Queen she had been in complete and total control. The magic had flowed with ease, bending to her every whim, twisting in whatever manner she desired. She could shut each organ down one at a time, steal breath, peel small pieces of life away with such precision that when the heart finally gave out there was no sign of any trauma.
As Meira she had brought life to the lifeless, but other than that Meira had never had the chance to see what her power could do.
"I don't know what length I would go to, but I think to start, I would need to not be afraid of it."
As for the shape...
"A wolf, but...it's not like the form I take. It's a twisted, grotesque creature of fire and brimstone. It felt like that creature was going to explode out of my skin."
She has even sketched it multiple times since then, hiding the drawings so Max wouldn't see them.
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The wolf, in all her hell-bound glory.
"I can't advise you on how to get rid of her unless you're willing to take immensely risky actions where your very self is in the balance. But I can help, if the idea of living with her is not completely out of the question. In my view, even the Queen of Hounds must come to heel for the Houndmaster." A shrug of her shoulders. "So to speak."
If the old titles and the old selves did not suit, then they would forge a new one for the Valdis that is, instead of the Valdis that was.
"It's spring, after all. No better time to start."
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"Maybe you're right. Maybe the issue is not a matter of control, but a matter of cooperation."
If she must live with this power, she must also reconcile the two pieces of herself. Who, and what, she is seem so convoluted as they are now. A Hound and its master work together to accomplish a goal, but it seems as if she is always fighting with her own power.
"I've felt for so long that I must choose between the Angel of Death and the Hellhound...you're saying that isn't the case?"
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She falls quiet for a second, trying to put her words in the right order so that Valdis will get her meaning. They can share feelings, but not exact experiences, so she still has to work at it.
"I haven't gotten rid of the urge entirely. I still feel its impulses at times - I can look at anyone and plot out how I could hurt them in the next few seconds, and I still feel rage that wants to ruin and salt the earth behind it. But...I can say no. I can be there, imagining the feeling of someone's organs in my hands, and my hands stay still. And when I need to be ruin, when I need to destroy and lay waste to my foes, I know it's there."
Stopping for a second to look at the waves, there's another ripple in her feelings, like something glimpsed way down in the depths, too far to make out details.
"The truest test will be when it comes time to bring force against Aster himself."
If she can stop, after they win. If she can keep the river within its banks, flowing to the sea.
"If you're so worried about hurting me, Valdis, why haven't you already done it? Why not kill me now, have it done and over with?"
Her emotions say that this is no trick of a question, but neither is she concerned.
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"You mean in this moment when I am completely sane and in control? I have no reason to. I am not dangerous to you when I am in control, only when I have lost it."
Probably why so many here completely dismiss the danger she poses.
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Because it never quite goes away, does it. Not when it's been repeated time and time again.
"So why don't you?"
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"Thinking things doesn't mean you're going to act on them, you aren't a threat in this moment, so I have no reason to kill you. Even if you became a threat, I could stop you without killing you. I have no reason to resort to death when I have other options. Besides, killing you would not change your madness."
The question makes very little sense as she is now, but she suspects it had more relevance to her mindset after the opera.
"As for why I didn't slaughter you all the moment we escaped Efrain...well, I would rather destroy myself than harm you out of malice."
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Fever grins, hurrying over to where she had found some good pieces last time. Maybe there'll be more this go-around.
"You could do it, but you don't want to. You want to not do that. That's not the Angel talking, or the Hound. That's all you." Bending down, she finds a fragment of green, holding it up to the sun to look at the color. "If you don't know what you want, you can think about what you don't want. And in that respect, you get closer to what you actually desire, reading the statement backwards."
Does she know what kind of woman she truly wants to be? No. But Fever can say that she doesn't want to be a woman so isolated, so angry, that she gives up on experiencing life again. It's a starting place.
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"It feels so sad to go about it like that, but I suppose it makes sense. Or at least it's a start."
To fill her mind with what she doesn't want, but if she's so confused about what she does want, perhaps that's the only way. There's another flash beneath the waves, another piece of glass, this one also green. She holds it out to Fever after bushing the sand off.
"Why are you looking for sea glass?"
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Taking the other piece, she puts them both in her pocket. Creation for its own sake, art for art's sake. Because she wants to, because something about it brings her joy.
"It'll get less sad once you start thinking about things in the inverse. I don't want to hurt my friends, and I want to see them happy and well. I don't want to destroy this world, and I want to experience what I can from it and find what's enjoyable. I don't want to give into my thoughts, and I want to know myself. Try it. Might be easier than you think."
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wrap?
wrap!